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On the one hand, it would be unnecessarily vulgar and sexist to make "Sticking your dick in the mousetrap" a shorthand for throwing a lot of money at whatever the Better Mousetrap is this year, be it bitcoin or blockchain or NFT or AI or whatever

But on the other hand it's just SO EVOCATIVE

Great Dan, yet another tech thing exclusively aimed at people with dicks, excellent job,

oh with today's technology we can fit a clit in a mousetrap NO PROBLEM

and what about inter-

*stands up, palms on table* ALL IN THE MOUSETRAP

Where's that cigarette-smoking fox CEO from the bike thread

We're pivoting to AI
"Snippety-snap, it's all for the trap," that's our new motto

Watching You've Been Framed, it's an AI special, dudes in suits queuing up to stick their dicks in the mousetrap, I'm giggling at them from my TV armchair, a guy in jeans and a polo shirt says "For goodness' sake not like that, here let me show you how it's OW," I'm losing it, spilling my tea on my belly, they just keep on going, "No, see, try putting it in at an angle AH FUCK" I can't breathe, laughing so hard I pee a lil bit, tears running down my face, I see the CEO of a company I actually use and rely on and I stand up tea spilled on the floor shouting at the telly "Wait NO-"

*movie trailer voice* IN A WORLD, BEFORE THE DICK MOUSETRAP,

A man at a desk pushes his hair up his forehead and sighs, from the doorway "Are you coming to bed honey?" "Yeah, just give me a few," mutters to himself "An idea. Just one idea, that's all I need," he looks at the mousetrap in the corner, he looks down at his dick, his face lights up "EUREKA!"

"A Better Mousetrap," the unauthorized biopic of the billionaire dick-in-mousetrap man, this summer and only in cinemas

I read the popular science fiction novel "Don't put your dick in the mousetrap" as a young boy and since then I've wanted to build a better mousetrap to put my dick in

Fedi: good morning everyone, what shall we post today, hmm let's do some positive USPOL memes (properly CW'd of course), some good composting information, good good, oh Dan's awake, I wonder if we'll get some interesting arcade technologyposting

*rubbing hands together* Right, dick in a mousetrap, here we go

Right lads, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the bubble has popped, the arse has fallen out of the dick-in-a-mousetrap game, and unless we think of something to turn it around right quick I'm gonna have to sack the bloody lot of you. Ideas?

Sir, research indicates that every time a CEO puts his dick in a mousetrap, stock prices rise sharply at first but then tumble astronomically once the pain sets in and markets return to temporary rationality

So it's the pain that people object to

And the dick-stuck-in-a-mousetrap part honestly

The point where the dick goes in the mousetrap, that's when things go wrong

Everything up to that point seems to work fine

So now that we've thoroughly incorporated dicks-in-mousetraps into our business, we need to figure out some kind of way to put your dick in a mousetrap, without ending up with your dick stuck in a mousetrap

Johnson, get working on a new dickless mousetrap prototype

s-sir

Or a mousetrapless dick, if needs be

See, this is why CEOs need hobbies. A CEO's job is to do something and watch the money pour in, problem is that businesses can get into the unfortunate situation where they make enough money to pay everyone well and then just kinda tick over in that horrible boring state for years and years. If the boss doesn't have a good hobby, if he just comes to the office every day and twiddle his thumbs, he'll find himself in need of a good mousetrap to stick his dick in

I think the whole sticking-your-dick-in-a-mousetrap thing is funny because it's both absurd and relatable

I mean who among us can honestly say they've never gotten their dick stuck in a mousetrap

You know, you hear on the news about the latest dick-caught-in-mousetrap epidemic, you think "Pfft, those dingdongs, that'll never happen to me," five minutes later SNAP aw hell, welp that's what I get for being smug I guess

And then you're in the hardware store five minutes before closing time marching angry down the aisles with the wood slapping your thighs, where even is it, where's the I-dun-goofed-and-gotta-fix-in-a-hurry aisle, toilet repair, nope, quickset drywall repair nah, you end up having to ask where the dick-releasing crowbars are and the lady just can't keep the snicker off her lips can she, so much for my fucking Saturday night

You don't wanna drive all the way home like this so you just find a quiet corner of the car park and stick the jaws in and crank the handle and it slowly slowly starts to let go and just as you're starting to see the funny side of things then the cheap piece of shit shears clear in half and bam, now you got the whole kit and kaboodle stuck in there, can't even take it back 'cause half of it's stuck in the mousetrap so you just drive home and write the manufacturer a shitty email and write the night off and deal with it in the morning

Am I right fellas

Anyway these tech bro CEOs go and harass the mousetrap on PURPOSE

I love that there are email sysadmin people earnestly replying to the first post of this thread

Mark, owner of Smashwords: Okay Draft2Digital, I'll sell you my company whose userbase is full of the kinkiest people you can possibly imagine, but you've gotta promise to let them continue being kinky

Draft2Digital: oh we promise

And don't do anything *too* fucked up, alright?

we promise

OK

*five minutes later*

New email, from: subject: AUTHOR POLL on attractiveness of mousetrap; is this mousetrap hot enough to fuck? Have your say here

*lowering dick slowly towards gaping mousetrap* I know you think I shouldn't do this, but have you considered that NOT doing this would actually be problematic?

*cries of anguish and DON'T DO IT etc*

Bigots. You're all bigots. *K-SNAP* OW WHAT THE FUCK

WE TOLD YOU IT WOULD HURT

STOP BEING CLASSIST

*dick snuffling and leaping around inside boxers* What is it, boy? What do you smell?

*pointing at a mousetrap surrounded by mangled bits of and people clutching their crotches and groaning like at the end of that Robocop fan remake scene, you know the one* WUFF BORK WROFF

Ooh, I really shouldn't...

whimper whimper whine

Aw hell with it, GO GIT 'EM BOY

Nextcloud Man: Google and Microsoft want you to stick YOUR dick in THEIR mousetrap.

What, that's absurd.

It certainly is, friend. Why would you stick your dick in a mousetrap that someone else controls?

Yeah exactly, thank you for making sense, lately it seems like the whole world's gone mad

Using our open-source software, YOU control the dick mousetrap

...what

Stick your dick in your OWN mousetrap

Take back control

Nextcloud users, we hear you loud and clear. We hear your yelps of agony.

We hear your anguished cries of "WHY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY"

And we want to let you know that sticking your dick in this is purely optional!

is that why you placed it cocked and ready right at crotch height

For your convenience and empowerment.

*looking down at a barely-recognizable swollen purple mass wrapped thrice around the business end of a bloodied mousetrap* You see what the problem is here, don't you.

Yes, everybody sees the problem except you

Hm. Yeah, it's obvious in hindsight.

*waits for it*

This mousetrap isn't open-source

https://mastodon.xyz/@nextcloud/113384968001408903

Talk me through what happened here, mister Proton.

Well doc, I went and stuck my left ball in the AI mousetrap

I see, and your right testicle?

Bitcoin

Yes, I thought it might be something like that when I heard you coming down the hall.

'cause of the clapping

The wood-on-wood clapping sound, yes, from not one but *two* mousetraps, extraordinary. So obviously you'd like these removed.

Oh hell no. No, I just wanted your advice, I wanted to know whether these'd interfere with the big one.

The big one?

Yeah, the big one, hang on I got a picture on my phone. Here. Ain't it a beaut.

Mister Proton, this appears to be a picture of a bear trap.

It has "MAGA" written on it.

In what appears to be gold Sharpie. Mister Proton -

Now I know what you're thinkin', but lemme stop you there.

Go on?

What

SHIT SHIT SHIT JOHNSON GET IN HERE

sir

OUR STOCK PRICE IS IN FREEFALL

A TRILLION DOLLARS JUST DISAPPEARED JOHNSON

sir?

SOMEONE'S GIVING AWAY THE DICK MOUSETRAP FOR FREE

You look like you've just had a bollocking

I don't understand it. I don't understand anything that's happening.

There there.

You're normal.

It's not understandable.

I thought our mission was to snap everyone's dicks, and now everyone can get their dick snapped, surely we should be rejoicing

Oh honey

It was never about snapping dicks.

I mean, who wants their dick snapped? Do YOU want your dick snapped?

I mean... I kinda went along with it, but I didn't really no

Honey, it was about the waste. Here, have a tissue. Remember the monkey pictures? And the proof-of-waste coins that weren't real?

Kinda?

The waste was the point, dear. The inefficiency was what made it so that only the very rich had the money to burn to run the machines. If you take away the waste, if the dick mousetrap machine becomes more efficient, then you just have a bunch of mangled dicks and nobody making any money.

So now that sticking your dick in a mousetrap doesn't burn irreplaceable resources, the dick mousetrap factory owners are finally wondering whether anyone wants to stick their dick in the mousetrap?

That's right, dear. That's where all the money's gone. Now take a breath. Wipe those eyes. Shoulders back and chin up high.

The people with the deep pockets will be moving on to the next scam, and this time you're going to get a piece of it.

You've got a better mousetrap to build.

Kiss me you animal.

@ifixcoinops Outstanding.

I believe this falls under the category of "Cornerstones of Contemporary Commentary"

Congratulations!

@ifixcoinops now this is the kind of CW that makes me lunge for the SHOW MORE button (but then I'm a sicko)